Validate me!

Today I want to talk about my social media obsession and about being a compliment/attention whore. I know that all of this comes from my non-existing self-confidence and my self-hatred, but still, I continue seeking for validation in the universe.

I guess in a way everybody wants to be liked by others, especially since Facebook and Instagram is a huge part of our lives(more like my life). But maybe I get this thing too far. I am addicted to social media and I honestly don't want to give up on it. It feels good to be liked on Instagram by strangers, even if it's really dumb and you should care only what the ones close to you think. But I think you can get good things from this too like for example, I use the FB messenger to talk to my friends back home every day. I want to talk about some good aspects of social media, but not in this one, in a positive one.

Even if I sometimes act like I'm above others or I don't care or look confident, it's all a lie. Deep down am not any of those things and anxiety kicks in every time I have to leave my house. And I have to go to work. Because we are talking about social media, this is mostly about the looks, guess what? I hate mine.

I will now sound like a drama queen because I am), but I don't think I am good looking, not the most hideous creature either, somewhere in the middle. Average. Haha Mr. Average all the way, right? And I only found out recently that some people think I am actually OK-ish looking, after telling people I'm gay(and that took a while = 25 years). This gets me to a funny topic, like when you tell people that you are depressed for example and they tell you "Don't be depressed!". Really? hmm how come I didn't think of that yet? Thank you sir for your kind words :)). This is not the way it goes people. So by telling me, I look good, I will feel good for a while, but I won't change my opinion about myself, it's just not that easy.

I think I had a point to this nonsense, but I got lost in complaining about myself. I tend to do that. Well, my stupid brain thinks like this: if a lot of people(strangers) like me on Instagram maybe I will get to a point where I will like myself too. I need someone's validation I guess. Even worse, I go to the gym to get a hot body so I can post it online and get famous or whatever(a little far-fetched though). Maybe just validation, that's good too.

I always thought that the saying "You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself." to be true. After experiencing my dark side(gay side!), I am not so sure anymore. I think you actually can do that, but you will always question their feeling and wonder when are they going to break up with you, right? No? Maybe it's just me then.

Maybe one day I will figure this shit out. I am definitely working on it, I just need some time and some muscles. Till then just tell me I'm hot, beautiful and smart and I will love you forever :)))

PS: Did I mention I'm weird and crazy?

Bonus: my life summarized in picture.