Upside down

I know it's normal to have bad days, to feel hopeless, sad, lonely, like your life is upside down. But how do you know if you are feeling this way more than it's supposed to be normal? How do you know it?

One year ago I moved to a different country so that I can find myself and also be myself. It was one of the best decisions of my life, it made me get outside of my comfort zone and live a life I was too afraid to live for as long as I could remember. I could finally be out and proud haha, I learned more about this life and how much I actually love it. I found more than I was expecting.

But to be able to do all this, I also had to give up my old life. It wasn't easy at all, but I tried to keep as much as I could from the old one. I still have my best friends close and I am so grateful for their support, but there is the distance barrier. So even if per general last year was amazing, it also had a downside to it. I never felt so lonely in my life. I realized how much I miss spending time with the people I love, the people that know me and understand me.

When I started writing this I wanted to call it simply "Depression", but that sounds too depressing, right? I know that I'm not really depressed ( or I hope so), but that's how I called it, Okay!? I feel like shit, I don't want to talk to people, I overthink everything in a bad way, I get mad at people for stupid reasons, I feel like I wasted my life and I didn't accomplish anything so far like others did. It happens pretty often lately, usually when I am too much time alone, my stupid brain starts thinking nonsense like this and I don't know how to get out of it.

I know it sounds stupid, it IS stupid. After it passes I really don't understand what happened or why. I am trying to figure this out, a shrink would help, but come on do you think I have money for that? what if he/she says I'm crazy? :)) Luckily I know a lot of depressing songs, thank you Adele & Sam Smith ;) Also I don't drink to get through it and I don't ignore my healthy lifestyle and I think that's a really good thing.

If I try talking to someone it usually helps, but in that moment I don't want to bother others with my attention whore crisis. It feels wrong to waste my friends' time, especially because being depressed makes me a bitch too. Everybody knows I'm really good at being mean and asshole(not a compliment). That's why I usually shut the F up, try not to look obvious to the people around me and wait for it to pass.

Some of the things that make me feel better in those moments: listening to some party music because I love parties, watching funny videos or movies, working out at the gym, sleep( the best thing), food( the second best thing) and obviously sex ;)

Because my level of stupidity doesn't have any limits, while I'm feeling depressed, I get even more depressed because I am depressed and I shouldn't be because I have so many things/people in my life that are AMAZING and I suck because I don't appreciate that. It doesn't make any sense, does it?

This is so long, you probably fell asleep reading this shit, sorry. In conclusion, I'm still trying to understand WTF is happening with my life/brain and how to not get depressed over stupid shit, because I think it's up to me to find the answers and do something more productive with my life. Thanks :*

PS: I love Stranger Things obviously.