Existential crisis

I know it sounds dramatic, but give me a break. Nobody is perfect, except Jake Gyllenhaal obviously. But this is how I felt in the past years, usually late in the night when I should sleep and I count how many hours I can still sleep until I need to go to work. I guess from now on I will come here when I can't sleep and put my nonsense on paper. Figuratively speaking because we are in 2018 and I am not a monster, I love trees.

Am I the only one who feels like time is running out and there so much in this world to see and do? because I feel like that all the time. Sometimes I think I may have multiple personalities because I have some many moods in just one freaking day, from happy af to depressing sad to angry at everything. Also, I want to do everything but instead of that I just sleep a lot :)) That gets me to my persistent secondary mood, sleepy. I guess my talent is sleeping, am I not the greatest? :))

So having this kind of thoughts all the time makes it hard for me to describe myself. I mean if you ask some of my friends they will probably say that I'm sarcastic or mean or funny or gay. Don't get me wrong they are all true, but I want to think there is more to me and my personality, more than just a few vague words. So when I'm asked to describe myself I will probably not say much, but in my head I'm like:

Well, I like movies, TV shows, books, video games, board games, music, sports, going out for coffee or drinks, parties, awkwardly dancing, getting black-outs, traveling everywhere, beach, sea, mountains, cities. Just a few things that pop into my mind right now and already sound like a cliche. The good part is that I did all these things and I will continue doing them, but I also want to try things like: speaking better English, speaking French, Spanish, German, photography, writing( I guess this is a start somehow), computer programming, vlogging, being famous on Instagram, modeling, getting a sexy body, being more self-confident, working in the movie industry, travelling the world as a job, volunteering for a good cause, and the list can continue.

I guess now that I wrote this I realize that I'm doing only the easy things, the comfortable ones, the ones that are close and don't require too much involvement or preparation. So apart from being average, I am also lazy. Wow revelation time: being f-ing lazy makes me average. This makes a lot of sense but how do you change this? How can you give up on the easy things that make you happy for a short period of time just to start something hard which requires time and consistency? Simple, stop being a lazy f**k. Eas-peasy right? =))

But I think I'm somehow on the right track, I changed a lot of things in the past years, slowly but I did. I started reading personal development books and learned some stuff, but I am still not content with what I have because deep down in my averageness (I don't know if this is a word), I feel like I can do more than this, I could bee better. Writing is one of the things I wanted to try for a long time, but with every new thing I start big with a lot of excitement but it doesn't work long. I quit really fast because I have self-confidence issues and I have a bad opinion of myself, which you might have noticed, and I always think I'm not good enough, so why bother. Even now I'm not sure this is any good honestly, it helps me put this down but I guess it only helps me so that makes it pretty dumb and useless. Just like me :))

The point of this nonsense is to show my pattern. Usually, it happens when I'm alone with my stupid brain having all these crazy thoughts like I can do better, I wasted my life, I could be somewhere else, others are/looks better than me, gets me depressed. After a few days I feel better and say that I will do something about it, I start a little than give up and go back to the same shit next months. And all this is really dumb because I don't appreciate what I already have and I should. Does this make me a bad person? Or a crazy person? :)